- What is an abusive relationship?
- Myths about violent and abusive relationships
- What you can do if you suspect you are in an abusive relationship
- Community Resources
What is an abusive relationship?
An abusive relationship is characterised by inequality. When one partner consistently controls, dominates or intimidates the other by means of manipulating, punishing or forceful behaviours, abuse is occurring. While all couples have power struggles and disagreements, when a pattern of control that results in one partner winning on most issues at the expense of the other's rights, beliefs and disires, abuse is occurring.Examples of emotionally abusive behaviour include: controlling finances; controlling or undermining contacts with friends or relatives; controlling activities; extreme possessiveness; interrogations over imagined infidelities; relentless demands for attention, care, love, or sex; belittling; undermining confidence; punishing with the silent treatment; playing mind games; manipulation; using insulting, sarcastic, and wounding words; stand-over tactics; using angry explosions to intimidate; demanding or withholding sex; sexual put-downs or threats; using children as weapons.
You may be in an abusive relationship if your partner . . .
- Criticises you, calls you names or belittles the things you do.
- Demands increasing amounts of your time, energy, attention or affection.
- Insists on having his/her own way on most issues.
- Expects you to be with him/her constantly, and resents any time you spend pursuing your own interests or friends.
- Keeps control of the money and gives you an inadequate allowance.
- Treats you with hostile silence and cold contempt for long periods.
- Uses punishing behaviour to manipulate you into complying with his/her demands.
- Harasses you or uses standover tactics to get his/her own way.
- Flies into sudden, irrational tempers for little or no reason, then blames these outbursts on you.
- Frightens you by smashing possessions.
- Slaps, shoves, shakes, pulls your hair, kicks or punches you.
- Shows excessive jealousy and accuses you unjustly of flirting or having affairs.
- Coerces you into having sex when you don't want to, or participates in sexual practices you don't feel comfortable with.
- Constantly refuses to take responsibility for his/her destructive behaviour.
- Denies events happened as they did, or turns them around so that he/she can blame you.
- Withholds emotional support, even when you have a major crisis to deal with like a death in the family.
- Makes jokes at your expense or deliberately humiliates you in front of others.
- Pretends to be kind and caring towards you in front of others but treats you badly when you are alone together
- Undermines your relationship with your children.
- Deprives you of sleep by arguing late into the night.
- Improves behaviour if he/she thinks they may lose you but resumes abuse when thinks the danger has passed.
Myths about violent and abusive relationships
These myths reflect the fact that society often blames women for their own abuse. The person using the abusive behaviour is also likely to blame the woman. Hence, many women also blame themselves for the conflict and abuse in their relationships and continue to strive to get it right. Despite their best efforts the abuse often escalates.Myths include:
- Women enjoy it, deserve it, provoke it, or ask for it.
No one likes to be physically and emotionally abused. Furthermore, domestic violence is illegal and recognised as a prosecutable offense in New Zealand. - Women would leave if the violence was really bad.
Women remain in violent relationships for many reasons including fear, love, hope for improvement, isolation, lack of support, loss of confidence, or religious and cultural sanctions. Furthermore, women are often financially dependent on their partners and have primary responsibility for the children which may result in limited options for leaving a violent situation. - Women would speak up about it if they were really bothered by violence.
Women remain silent about abuse for many reasons including fear of more abuse, feelings of shame and embarrassment over the situation, hopefulness for a change in the future, or belief that they are at fault. Many women feel deeply ashamed, fear that they won't be believed, and don't know how and where to get help and support. - Alcohol/drug abuse causes violence.
Alcohol or drug use does not cause a person to become abusive. Partner abuse and alcohol abuse are two separate problems and need to be addressed separately. Many people who abuse alcohol never abuse their partners and many people abuse when they are not under the influence. Alcohol and drugs are often used as a convenient excuse for violent behaviour. By claiming to be drunk or high, people who are being abusive can avoid taking responsibility for their behaviour. - People who abuse can not control their anger.
This excuse often seems logical yet falls apart when scrutinised. Can the abusive person control his temper around other people? Does he avoid bruising parts of your body that others can see? When angry, does he break his own possessions? The answers to these questions often indicate a high level of control in the expression of anger. - People who abuse have had terrible childhoods.
Many people have grown up in abusive homes and choose never to inflict pain on their current partners and families. This myth is an excuse for violent behaviour. - The person is abusive because he is under stress.
Stress is a part of everyone's life. Many highly stressed people are not violent. - Violence is more likely to occur in certain races, cultures or socio-economic groups.
Violence occurs in every race, culture, and economic class around the world. - Men who are abusive at home are abusive in other situations.
Domestic violence is usually carried out in private, behind closed doors. Many men who are abusive towards their partner and families may appear reasonable and respectable in other situations.
It is the abusive person's responsibility to change his/her behaviour. It may be extremely painful to realise that your partner is behaving in an abusive way simply because he/she wants to and may gain a number of advantages from their abusive behaviour including:
- a position of power in the family;
- a sense of importance;
- the satisfaction of having their own way most of the time;
- a compliant partner who strives to please him;
- plenty of reassurance, attention and special privileges.
What can you do if you suspect that you are involved in an abusive relationship?
- Re-connect with family members and friends.
An abusive partner often attempts to isolate you from your support system in order to remain in control and to perpetuate abuse. Contact with people who love and support you are a reminder that you are cared about. They also provide a link to the freedom of the outside world. - Confide in other people.
Women in abusive relationships often feel intense shame and embarrassment over their situation and may closely guard their secret. Women in abusive relationships may also feel like they are betraying their partner if they confide in others. However, silence allows the abuser to continue his violent behaviour. In a violent relationship, your first loyalty must be to your safety. Confiding in others and gaining emotional support is part of keeping safe. - Investigate your options.
Carefully investigate the options that are available to women in abusive relationships. Check out support groups, women's centres, community organisations and the women's refuge in your area. Making phone calls and gathering information about resources available to women in violent relationships will help you to gain support and understand the options available to you. In addition, gathering resources will help you clarify what you want for yourself and your family, and will also help you make decisions that respect your right to live in a safe environment. Our list of resources may help you to find the support you need.
This book is an excellent resource which contains extracts from the personal accounts of 50 women who have been in abusive relationships. Invisible Wounds helps women to identify the abuse and the impact it is having on themselves and their children. It offers information and exercises to assist women in strengthening themselves, deciding what to do, empowering themselves within the relationship, leaving it (if they choose to) and recovery. It is available by mail order through North Shore Women's Centre.
Community Resources
There are many organisations which offer support, information and assistance. The following covers some of them. If these organisations cannot offer you the kind of support you need, ask them to recommend another that may be suitable.Community information:
Citizens Advice Bureaux are excellent sources of information about local social service agencies, support groups, courses, legal rights, housing, welfare and health issues. The CAB also offer a free legal advice service in many areas (by appointment) and a free budgeting service. Check your local directory for the phone number.Phone lines:
24-hour phone counselling services are operated by Lifeline throughout New Zealand. Women's Refuge operate a 24-hour phone line for women who are suffering any form of abuse from a partner. Rape Crisis and Auckland Sexual Abuse Help offer a phone line to survivors of rape or sexual abuse.
