Confronting others' hurtful behaviour and transforming our own by Kay Douglas and Kim McGregor
Introduction (abridged)
This book was written for women who feel caught in power struggles, for those feeling powerless, those who worry that they are misusing their power and hurting others, and those wanting to claim and express power with integrity.
When one person exerts power over another in order to get his or her own way, without due regard for that person's feelings, a power game is taking place. Power games rob people of their dignity and self respect and sap their joy in living. When used repeatedly, power games can reduce the recipient to feeling incompetent, self-doubting and confused, powerless. The person misusing power may also eventually begin to suffer feelings of guilt, isolation and distress about the damage he or she is doing to important relationships.
Clearly power games do not serve people well. Hence the authors' desire to write a book to help women address the issue of the hurtful power in their lives and encourage them to claim their personal power more fully.
Personal power is generated from within by self-awareness, confidence and self-esteem. It is the respectful power we can use to stand up for our rights and have our say without harshly undermining others. The authors believe that when we are standing in a position of personal power we are less likely to allow ourselves to be deliberately hurt and less inclined to feel the need to exert destructive power over others.
The authors' goal was to make Power Games positive and uplifting, despite the fact that this subject can be 'heavy'. Power games and powerlessness are learned behaviours which can be changed if we are willing to commit to this. The book is designed to guide the reader through a process of clarifying the dynamics of the power struggles in her life, identifying the impact, reflecting on the underlying issues and making positive changes.
Above all else, the authors wanted Power Games to be practical and solution focused. They have included dozens of anecdotes, insights, ideas and specific suggestions for moving away from hurtful power and finding an authentic sense of power within. Check lists or questions were designed to help the reader deepen her process by relating the information directly to her own situation.
The information offered is influenced by the authors' own search for empowerment, their work with individual clients, Kay's work in the living without violence field, discussions with other professionals and the women who were interviewed.
The book is divided into four parts: Part 1: Exploring the Issue of Power Part 2: When Others Use Power Games Against Us Part 3: When We Use Power Games Against Others Part 4: The Journey To Personal Power
Women Helping Women
Fifty-five women shared their stories for the making of Power Games. Some have used their power destructively against others. Some were subjected to power games by their partners, parents, siblings, children, neighbours and at work. All have suffered the pain of power struggles and have taken steps towards gaining personal power. The women vary in age, backgrounds, sexual orientation, culture, financial situation and personal circumstances. Names have been changed to protect their identity.
Their stories are about struggle, healing and personal triumph and are a tribute to the incredible strength and determination of the women who shared them. They are individual stories, yet so much of what they have been through is part of a universal experience that shows women's ability to heal our deepest hurts and move towards realising our potential.
Many of the women commented on how power games locked them into a place of secret shame, unable to find the help they needed to change. The authors hope the honesty in these stories provides the impetus for other women openly to seek the support they need. Where there are people being hurt, secrecy and shame serve no-one.
The authors' concern in producing a book which gives a public voice to women who have hurt others is that it will be used against women. They fear that these women's honesty will be hailed as 'proof' against the feminist analysis that much of the destructive behaviour by men against women is based on men's underlying belief that they have the right to assume power over women. Kay knows, from her work as a co-facilitator of men's Living Without Violence programmes, that sexist attitudes are at the heart of many men's abuse of their partners.
When you work in this field you repeatedly hear the argument that 'women are abusive too'. We all know this is true but this statement conveniently ignores the fact that in the vast majority of cases it is women and children who suffer at the hands of males, rather than the reverse. The implication of 'equality' that is implicit in this argument denies the reality that men are usually physically stronger than women and that they generally hold more power economically.
In the authors' experience, women's abuse usually does not come from a position of domination, strength and entitlement as men's power games often do. More often it comes from a place of rebellion against oppression, reaction against feelings of powerlessness and/or outrage and pain caused by previous abuse. The experience of women interviewed for this book who identified themselves as hurting others certainly supports this belief. Many had themselves suffered abuse that left them deeply wounded. It was from this place of wounding that much of their destructive behaviour came.
Keeping a Journal
The book has many questions and written exercises which are designed to assist the reader in understanding her relationship with power more clearly. Writing can be a powerful tool which helps us discover our true feelings, clarify our thoughts and define our experiences.
Consider Finding A Support Person
The authors encourage you to find a support person to work with. A support person can be your guide if you feel lost, your encourager if you feel hopeless and your solid rock if you are confused. She or he can offer you honest feed back and a reality check if you become confused.
Rather than asking the person to be there solely for your support you may decide to buddy up with someone who also wants to work at increasing her personal power and agree to support each other. It can be affirming and empowering to compare notes, share insights, set small goals for change together and debrief after trying out new behaviour.
When choosing a support person it may be helpful to ask yourself:
- Will this person stand by me and offer positive, supportive input?
- Do I trust this person?
- Has she or he proved trustworthy in the past?
- Will this person respect my confidentiality?
What Kay says about the birth of Power Games
Because of my own personal struggles with issues of power, I was delighted when the publisher approached me to write this book. I rearranged my busy timetable, naively assuming it would be finished within the year. It is perhaps fortunate that I never dreamed that it would take so long to complete this book - nor that it would be such a challenging process."I decided at the outset to interview women who had experienced hurtful power struggles and to allow their experiences to bring this book to life. The interviews proved to be heart rending, humbling and inspiring. I was progressing well when I began to develop occupational overuse syndrome (OOS) through using the computer. I kept going slowly, with care, but gradually the precious time I had put aside for this book began to slip away and other commitments began to crowd in. Eventually, 18 months after I had begun, I approached Kim to work on it with me.
"Since then the challenge of doing justice to a subject so important and complex, our busy schedules and my OOS have made progress painfully slow. At times it has seemed doubtful the book would ever be completed, but our desire to produce a book that would inspire women to step out of power games and claim their personal power has thankfully won out.
"Our hope is that this book will help you to become more powerful in the very best sense of the word - to speak out, live boldly and make a difference."
As you work your way through this book, go at your own pace, attempt the strategies that feel right for you and most of all be kind to yourself along the way. Remember to celebrate your efforts as well as your successes.
Journey to Personal Power
With all the many changes that have taken place, we continue to grow and redefine what it means to be a woman. We continue to find ways to stand up for what we believe and to claim the autonomy that is rightfully ours. Claiming personal power is about allowing ourselves to have a full and passionate life in which we boldly overcome obstacles and gain increasing strength, clarity and personal freedom. This is achieved by learning to listen carefully to our inner knowing, clarifying what is truly important and honouring this by action.At a practical level, the many choices we make to be true to ourselves help to build our sense of personal power. Each time we use our power with integrity to stand up for our own or others' rights in a respectful way we are enhancing our personal power. In this way our confidence gradually builds and our self-esteem blossoms. As we increasingly experience ourselves as powerful women who are entitled to be treated fairly, it becomes easier to find the courage to challenge those who would put us down.
While each of us can practise expressing our power more fully at an individual level, we also need to be aware that our power as women is encouraged or impeded by the amount of respect given to women in our particular society. The previous challenges of strong women have brought about changes in women's status. Just as these women have paved the way for us to live more powerfully, we too can pave the way for other women by challenging oppression, discrimination and inequality. Our greatest strengths as women are our ability to be creative and nurturing, to show compassion and to act collectively.
Reaching a place of personal power is a journey of growth that can be a huge challenge, especially if our previous experiences with power have been destructive. While on this journey we need to be gentle with ourselves, to create strong support along the way and to allow ourselves to take small steps. The many small acts of power we perform are the footsteps on a journey which will be ongoing as we develop our skills and potential and tackle the challenges life presents. Although it may be daunting at times, becoming more personally powerful is also freeing and exhilarating as the women in this book testify.
Power Games can be purchased from North Shore Women's Centre. Email today, giving your contact details.
Or from Fishpond New Zealand.
